With my 100-day chip held tight in my trembling hand
I sit next to you on the deteriorating couch, lumpy and uncomfortable
I remain silent, looking down at the worn and stained carpet
with a universe of love, appreciation, and sorrow overwhelming my heart
______________
My eyes have long cleared – I no longer begin my days with Visine
I’ve regained 8 of the 56 pounds I lost during the years I used
I’m submitting job applications, semi-respectable positions
that might make you proud
You deserve a guy, a man, who offers you picnics by the lake
Swans drifting elegantly upon the surface of the water
Perhaps an open bottle of wine, breathing in the fresh air
Future photographs, treasured, of you and him smiling, uncontrollably
You deserve the peanut butter sandwiches he will make for you
because they are your favorite
A tiny love note set beside your lunch, with a heart and an arrow drawn through it
To remind you how much he loves you
A man who physically hurts when you are away from him
Saturday evenings, too frequently, ended with my head in the toilet
You, sitting beside me on the hard, cold bathroom floor
In an apartment without heat because I hadn’t worked for weeks
or had forgotten to pay the bill
You telling me it’s okay and me telling you I’d quit
But I wouldn’t quit -
And I watched you as your future plans and aspirations
slowly, and painstakingly, swirled down with the toilet water
With my vomit circling down to the sewer,
taking with it your optimism
and your faith in my recovery and our future together
You’ve sacrificed everything – for me
______________
You sit beside me now, your expression tired and worn
Then you smile at me anyway – it’s strained, but genuine
I walk towards the front door, my packed bag zipped up and ready
You don’t appear surprised, and you do not stand to protest
I suspect I’ve stolen your emotions over the years,
shooting them into my veins to die
You remain silent and still, your eyes following my every movement
Our old, unoiled, screen door creeks as it slowly shuts behind me
You do not follow me or call out my name
I think we both understand
Several feet down the street, walking towards my uncertain future
- I didn’t hear it -
But (I imagine) you just audibly and painlessly exhaled –
Perhaps, for the first time in years
Kommentit