I never thought I’d be able to attend my own funeral –
But here I am
[sitting in the front pew at the church down the street from where I live]
and there I am in the open coffin –
and both of us are real –
I am alive – yet, I am dead –
I sit, yet I lay
I speak, yet I am silent
My tears are alive and wet and pouring out of my eyes,
Almost violently,
as I mourn the body and the life that lays in front of me
I sit alone in this church –
it’s not that I was not loved –
that’s not it at all –
I was SO LOVED – my goodness …
By so many I truly admire and adore -
They aren’t here because they don’t know I’m dead –
I didn’t send them invitations
and I didn’t place an announcement in Section C of the local newspaper -
They don’t know I’m dead because I didn’t tell them
____
30 days isn’t a long time when considering a full life –
30 days isn’t a long time when considering a marriage, or a mortgage, or a long-term career strategy –
30 days isn’t even a glimmer in the eye of the lifespan of the universe
But – 30 days is progress –
30 days is enough time to create a pattern –
To create a kaleidoscope of colors – and to purposely manipulate the colors into patterns – to place them exactly where I want them to be [to place them exactly where they need to be] – to adjust them, to shape them differently – to twist and to shape them as I see fit
To tear down and burn the dull colors for the vibrant …
30 days - it’s a milestone for anyone who is an alcoholic
[I’ll use “is” for now – but only for now]
… 30 days is a fucking eternity
I do not (and will not) walk to the front of a room with others applauding –
Me - ready to receive my hard-earned red chip from my smiling sponsor –
to revisit and revisit and revisit for years to come …
[coffee and doughnuts, coffee and doughnuts – coffee and doughnuts
“Hello, my name is Jimmy” – “Hello Jimmy” …]
… fuck that …
I’ve been through this before –
I’ve ridden this ride …
I’m a “former drug addict” – I am NOT a “recovering addict” –
I earned that badge already –
I spent 19 days in bed (bedridden) after quitting my drug habits –
I had to temporarily rehouse my dogs with friends -
I lost my job; I lost my fucking car – my roommates were going to kick me out of the apartment –
but grace – but grace – without it, I would have slept on a sidewalk –
I fucking earned that fucking badge [don’t’ tell me I’m “recovering”] -
… and I’m going to earn another one –
Goddamn it – I’m going to earn another one – even if it fucking kills me –
and it did –
… and I know this is true because I see my dead body laying only feet in front of me –
that body is dead –
I asked the mortician and my therapist and they checked – and they double-checked
- they confirmed that body is dead –
that body is fucking dead –
… if I allow it to remain so
[I will not pass by the pub on my way home from work tonight –
I will take the long way home -
I am not yet strong enough –
… but I will be soon]
____
I sit alone in this church not only in mourning -
I sit alone in this church in hesitant celebration!
I lay 8 feet away, my closed eyelids hovering just above my dead eyes
(and they are dead)
[stay dead! stay dead!
I do not wish to see things as I did before]
____
My friends don’t (yet) know I am dead –
Because I haven’t told them
I very much hope they like the man who stands before them now –
Who stands before them today –
… he’s a bit different
And I’m scared as hell –
and I’m scared as fuck –
that won’t be okay
that I won’t be okay
that I won’t be enough
that I won’t be fun anymore –
[I was the life of the party -
stumbling, stumbling as I walk up the concrete steps to my apartment front door –
my next-door neighbor ready with a Band-Aid –
as she, looking out her front window, sees me fall onto the concrete steps (again)]
I am scared as hell I will no longer be fun …
____
Do not visit my grave to dig up my remains –
Let me lay there – let me lay there
Let me lay there
Let me be dead
Let me be dead – so I may become something else
[so I may become something better]
I ask this in love, I ask this in love, my friends …
Let me become something else
[let me become something better]
and let my former self shrink and wither –
my bones dismantling from the whole –
let me, eventually, be soaked up by the accepting earth
… and let my body lay – and not be disturbed
____
Do not dig up my remains
Let me lay [stay dead! stay dead!]
as I learn how to walk
Photo: Jimmy Broccoli.
