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  • Jimmy Broccoli

Go To Macy's - And Don't Buy Anything On Sale

“And that is what happened – that is exactly what happened”, he painfully tells me after exhaling smoke from his cig

I look out our living room window without expression

because I don’t yet have the words to respond

“It was bad, very bad”, he continues

“And I don’t know how I’m still alive”


[One Day Prior]

He sits in the chair across the room from me

Naked and slowly masturbating to a video he is watching on his phone

I’m fully clothed, watching something quickly forgettable on the tele

with a tune from the Smiths stuck in my head…

“I’ve got this date tomorrow”, he tells me

“A guy from out of town – says he wants to buy me clothes –

he digs the way I look, I guess”

“Sounds great – should you be masturbating the day before your date?, I inquire

“I got pills for that”, he says and grins at me,

never taking his slow-moving right hand off his cock

I carefully crush the tiny crystals on our glass cocktail table with a maxed-out credit card

“What is on the menu tonight?”, he asks me because he loves to quote Trainspotting

“Meth, sir – methamphetamine is on the menu”, I respond

“Is this pleasing to you?”

“My good man, yes – absolutely. I’ll take it extra-powdery, if you will”

“Extra-powdery it is then”, I finish before handing him the tiny straw

“You do know one day your dick is going to fucking fall off, don’t you?” I say

As he’s been slowly masturbating for over a day

“I’m edging, ya know?”, he replies

“And you’re high as fuck”, I get out after a laugh without a reason for it

“Take a shower today, at least – yeah?” I advise him

“Yeah”, give me a few more minutes – it’s difficult to stop, ya know”

‘Yeah, I know”, I say


“So – where is he taking you shopping?”, I ask

as the chorus of “Personal Jesus” just won’t stop repeating in my head

“I dunno – he didn’t say”, he tells me

“Go to Neiman”, I recommend – “or to Macy’s, but don’t buy anything that’s on sale”

“Hey, play with my balls”, he says

“We don’t do that, ya know?” I reply

“You’re my best friend – play with your own balls”

“I want a couple new pairs of jeans”, he tells me

“True Religion and shit”

“Get a pair in my size, will ya?”, I playfully joke

“You buy your own pair,” he smiles

“You get jeans when you get fucked”

“I don’t get fucked, I fuck”, I reply

“And – that’s the reason I make more money than you do”, he says

“Cut me another line, will ya?” he says

I grab my credit card and smash the crystals onto the cocktail table as I have done before – as I’ve always done

“So whys your line longer than mine?”, he asks defensively

“I thought you’d be too fucked up to notice”, I say with a gentle grin

“More drugs”, he says – “more drugs” as he dramatically pounds his fist on the couch armrest

I join him in his nakedness (while still sitting across the room)

“He’d probably buy you clothing too,” he tells me

“I don’t do tourists and out-of-towners”, I reply

“It’s dangerous”


I’m home alone and dancing around our living room to the Violent Femmes

“I look at your pants and – I need a kiss” I sing out-loud with my horrible and off-key singing voice

I’ve done more drugs than I usually do and I’m naked –

The neighbors think we’re trash

But, “he’s my best friend – I’ll never leave him”

I think this as I do a bump – and then I do another

Carl is on his date…


I pull him close to me – almost too forcefully and abrupt –

I wrap my arms tightly around his body to shield him from further harm

He cries like I’ve never heard a man cry before…

He cries and falls to his knees onto the carpet in our living room

I run my fingers through his hair, gently

“What is on the menu tonight, sir?”, he asks me – almost in a whisper

“Meth is on the menu tonight”, I reply

“Is this to your liking?”

He separates from my embrace and pulls off his t-shirt and then removes his pants and underwear

“And, he didn’t buy me shit”, he says through lips bruised and much larger than usual

“You don’t usually masturbate in front of me”, he observes

while his hand is on his dick and stroking his own member

“I’m horny”, I reply – “and I’m too lazy to go elsewhere”

“He beat me up good”, he tells me – “he beat me up real good”

He is my best friend – and I’ll never leave him…

We do another line off of the glass cocktail table

“So, now what?”, I ask him

“What do you mean?”, he replies – his attention distracted by porn on his phone

“You gonna take a break?”, I ask

“Hang on”, he tells me because he is distracted

And I never receive an answer

Photo: Jimmy Broccoli

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