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  • Jimmy Broccoli

I Don't Think I'm Supposed To Do That

I Don’t Think I’m Supposed To Do That

It’s been 35 days and 53 minutes since you left this world

Last night I watched a rerun of the Big Bang Theory It was so funny, I laughed out loud over and over again …And I don’t think I’m supposed to do that… Not when you are not sitting with me - We used to watch the episodes together Rare times (and you commented on them) when you’d see me express emotion You had the best laugh and I’ll always remember it

Is it too soon to do anything but cry? And I cry every day – don’t mistake my laughter for rediscovered happiness Or think I don’t cry almost all of the time Memories of you burn through my mind, like matches lit and never extinguished

A friend invited me to a birthday party I said yes, then hung up the phone and began to panic Gasping for air, like I have asthma, but I don’t have asthma I don’t think I’m supposed to be going to parties I’ve lost 8 pounds since I said goodbye to you at the service I may not want to thrive, or survive, or move ahead… I haven’t yet decided – And I change my mind back and forth almost all of the time But, I’m going to the party I’ve already bought the gifts and they are lovely And I think she’s really going to like them

I smiled yesterday And I felt what I understand might be some aspect of joy …And I don’t think I’m supposed to feel that… My therapist has me booked on Monday and Thursday afternoons now Until I begin to fit into life again, the way I did when you lived

Since your passing, I’ve moved – I live in a new place It’s basic, kind of minimalistic and absolutely wonderful – You’d really like it here – it’s so ME With my blue LED Christmas lights strung from shelving units And mason jars filled with white fairy lights And all items in the kitchen cabinets facing forward, like they do at the grocery store And my newly put-together glass and chrome decorative cabinet in the bedroom corner And the movie memorabilia on the wall And really nice neighbors who say hello and mean it

I have new distractions – new dishes, a new microwave, new flatware and cloth napkins It’s materialistic, I know, but it’s kind of exciting …But, I don’t think I’m supposed to feel excited about cloth napkins or flatware… Or anything else that arrives daily by mail because I can’t handle my emotions without buying absolutely everything I’ll ever need for my entire life in a two week period… …Sometimes I have to count to 10 and breath in and out to calm myself, Like you see people with anxiety do on TV

I’m definitely not running, and sometimes I am barely walking without stumbling But I am awkwardly limping towards being some resemblance of okay

Since your death I don’t have good days, I admit it, if I am to be truthful But I’m starting to want to have them And perhaps that is all I need to focus on, for now Wanting to smile – wanting to laugh – wanting to not feel like shit all of the time


The temperature outside right now is 74 degrees

I look out my living room window and see people walking their dogs Cars are passing on this busy street …I might leave the house today… I think I am supposed to do that – at least eventually, right? But maybe today, I don’t know, maybe tomorrow, but maybe… I might leave the house today Though the thought terrorizes me Guilt is circling above and I feel doubt and I begin to cry again… I might leave the house today It’s really sunny out – and I can probably wear my blue flip flops My feet stepping one step at a time, perhaps slowly at first On a sloped and cracked and uneven, but appreciated sidewalk

I might leave the house today… I suspect that is progress, even if it not be monumental

…And I’m certain you would approve

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