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  • Jimmy Broccoli

I'm Fairly Certain This is True

Usually I don’t find porn this boring to watch…


The XXX images on my computer screen less than a foot from my face gyrate and jiggle –

and I’d rather be reading a book

or cleaning the kitchen

or getting my laundry ready for wash & fold at the laundry mat tomorrow…


My dick hunches over and stares at the wooden floor below…

Like he’s sad – or like he’s shy –

or like he’d rather read a book than hit a baseball out of the park


I put my athletic (though I am not athletic) shorts back on

and take a look at what is playing on the tele

It’s mostly a bunch of shit (as it always is), but I pause for a moment…

I don’t know the reason why maxi pad manufacturers add humor to their commercials –

I know they have wings but -

I’m fairly certain they don’t really fly…


“What if I was a donkey?”, I ponder

“What if I was a donkey boy?”

With large ears, a big face and a…

Well… “disproportionate” may be an appropriate word to use here

…I probably need more hobbies


“Bitches just gotta be like that”, my friend tells me over the phone

“I may be wrong”, I respond – “But I’m fairly certain women don’t like to be referred to as bitches”

“Yo man, not the ones I know – they be all up in my junk”

“Okay”, I respond


If I was a donkey – I’d run freely across the open fields –

I would bray any time I wished – and would eat the grass

I’d say hello to the other animals and become friends with them

There would be no city sounds – no traffic sounds –

Just birds singing songs and shit – ya know?

Nature – no car horns or taxi driver profanity

If I was a donkey – I’d walk over the hill if I wanted to –

I’d smell the flowers with my big nose if I wanted to –

My big donkey-dick would sway to-and-fro in the wind if it wanted to

No timeclock, no boss, no rent payments, no more to all of it…


The television screen becomes snow – and I’m slowly dozing off –

the Sandman throws his shit at me, and I become even more tired


I go to sleep gently and with masculine presentation…


My hand on my dick, under my shorts –

an evening that ends with me embracing my re-discovered horniness

…porn is on the menu for tomorrow, I’m certain

____


My friend calls me on the phone early the next morning…

“ Yo, this bitch was on my jock – and you wouldn’t believe…”


“I may be wrong”, I interrupt

“I’m fairly certain women don’t like to be referred to as bitches”


“I’m fairly certain this is true”, I say


Photo: Jimmy Broccoli.


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