I read the back of the breakfast cereal box
Cause I’m afraid I’m going to fucking lose it
I need the distraction
14 mg of dietary fiber, 6 g of sugar and 340 calories, without milk
You held me on so many sad evenings
Darker and more tragic than the darkest shades of black
And you never fucking let go until I was ready
When the dark clouds refused to retreat
You gently handed me rainbows
Only when you knew I was ready to receive them
And you told me things would get better
And you believed it [I know you did], so I believed it
Images of his body, grey
Not moving, on the fucking bedroom floor
“911 operator. I can’t pump his chest any faster”
“Where the fuck are they?!”
2 minutes, 4 minutes, 7 minutes, 10 minutes later…
An EMT asks me to stand back
Your couch, your chairs, your dishes with images of fish on them
The leftovers of the last meal you cooked still in the pan on the stove
The kitchen walls, cabinets, and floors
Now scorched, in a solitary and soulless non-home
Last Thursday, me, drunk, passed out
The fire department, the police
And the series of questions
And then the hangover, and a bottle of wine, or 3
Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat
I know the definition of self-destruction
And resemble every letter of it
Photos
Good times and fun accidental disasters
And him and me
I dance with every memory of you, my friend
Pictures on the dining room table, spread out
I laugh, then immediately cry and then angry
Then just so fucking angry and violent –
And I’m never violent
And I’m so seldom ever really angry, but I’m so angry
And shaking and mumbling and near hysterical…
…Then calm
And I must be breathing. You can’t be living and not breathing, right?
I exhale uncomfortably, as I do nowadays
I stare at walls for hours, numb, and the paint is silent
Then I’m standing up again and don’t remember why
My cell phone rings. Friends are worried. Family are worried
My therapist has me on speed dial
I don’t answer
I don’t fucking answer and I feel bad about it
Like I need to feel worse, though I couldn’t feel worse
But now I do and I can’t and I don’t know what to do about that
You taught me that absolutely everything in life doesn’t have to suck
You taught me so fucking much…
I can’t afford the amount of paper it would require to write it all down on
I was an unfinished sketch, a beginning artist’s attempt
You had the markers, the paint brushes, and the glitter
And you made me sparkle and added color to my life
At Macy’s I tried on the button-up shirt you asked me to consider
It had fucking pineapples all over the fucking place
On the arms and on the back, and my chest and stomach were covered with them
I like pineapple, but it was loud and I am naturally quiet
It was everything I wasn’t, but wanted to become
And I bought it. Because we laughed and had so much fun that afternoon
I’ll be honest, I’ll be absolutely fucking honest…
I don’t know how to continue – or even know if I want to try
---
During this time of year, the morning sun reveals newly awakened colors
Landscapes that explode with visual brilliance
Like shimmering New Year’s Eve confetti released at midnight
Beauty falls upon the ground and everything dark is silenced…
I write the above stanza because I’m beginning to scare those who care about me
And I realize this…
Nobody who loves me wants to imagine the out of control tornados
That are ripping me the fuck apart
My friend – my dead friend
I’ll do my absolute best not to disappoint you
I’ll do my best to keep waking up – to keep breathing, inhaling and exhaling
And I promise to do my best to look forward to tomorrow’s sunrise
Though I couldn’t give less of a shit or a fuck or a mother fuck about it today…
I’m going to try
I’m going to try
I’m going to fucking try
Because I love you and miss you
And that’s all I really wanted to say
