Poem: I Took My Life Tonight (Re-Worked)

Hi All

Today I re-worked a poem that bombed (on my page) when I first posted it last December. It's popularity grew a month later when an amazing friend of mine read it on camera. He did a wonderful job and breathed new life into the poem.

Now, ten months later, I think I've made the adjustments this poem needs to become something better than it had been (hopefully). I posted the re-worked version less than an hour ago to a poetry group I belong to - and the responses are encouraging. So, I'm posting it here.

Here is my re-worked poem "I Took My Life Tonight".

And I hope you like it. _______________

I Took My Life Tonight

You loved me, so I will not talk of rope, or firearms Or of sharp objects, or pills Or anesthetics to ease the final moments Knowing the details will not make the monsters within your mind disappear I will not provide accurate images to you

This evening had no feelings This evening had no feelings at all – the night air did not cry or celebrate The stars did not hesitate to twinkle as my breath escaped my body one last time The needle on the record player did not momentarily skip The hands on the clock continued to function without interruption And the birthday parties, the funerals – the family time watching TV …It all continues

While alive, I painted huge, frightening figures and emotions with broad strokes In multiple brilliant and bright colors Piercing blues, metallic silvers, deep and wildly disturbing shades of red I painted them on every surface I could find But, you never saw my artistic creations because you purposely squinted You adjusted your vision and looked left, instead of looking right You looked up when my disturbing drawings were on the ground beneath your feet

Perhaps, this was my cry for help I just didn't do it well enough

Your mind finds practical reasons for every day items For toasters, for light sockets For nail guns, chairs that don’t easily fall over, and plastic grocery bags I saw these items and thought of them as opportunities As options – as ideas that understood well my uncontrollable thoughts These thoughts always smiled and, occasionally, I would smile back

I gave my overwhelming sadness and devastation a name before I turned 10 My invisible and imaginary, but very real and unwanted friend During the daylight hours he breathed horrible things into my mind And slithered into my thoughts most evenings You couldn’t see him or hear him – you didn’t know to be watching or listening

Sometimes he whispered, and sometimes he spoke in normal tones And, sometimes, he screamed – and I listened, without the option not to

While alive, I danced upon your landscape and you danced upon mine My feet couldn’t always keep up with the frantic harmonies, but I did my best

And I did my best for as long as I could

This is not a confession This is not an explanation These are not words meant to be understood or reflected upon These are my thoughts after all thoughts are impossible

Tonight, I took my life