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  • Jimmy Broccoli

The Uptown Girl On The Couch Sits - She Waits For me

It wasn’t until I first felt the semi-warm splash of my own piss on my exposed legs -

did I realize I was pissing on the top of the toilet lid

“Dude”, my best mate says

“Maybe you should lift the bloody lid” –

as he stands a few feet away from me, arms crossed and playfully judgmental –

snickering and sneering as he watches me clumsily put away my drunk-as-fuck dick

and attempt to leave the bathroom, stumbling, with a mild sense of dignity

I’m finally zipping up as I re-enter the living room –

Lava lamps, incense burning, lights dim as fuck –

and our hippy and punk friends wall to wall…

“I hear you’ve got a big dick” says a girl sitting on the stairs – she’s got purple hair with thick maroon streaks –

she’s got a juvenile, yet rebellious, smirky smile

the type of lass that gets my dick all hard and bothered

“Yeah”, I replay – “it’s alright, I guess” –

“if you’re limping in the mornin’, I’ve got some crutches you can borrow – just return them later, yeah (?) – them ain’t cheap, ya know?”

“Easy, lover”, says my best mate, as he semi-supports me standing up –

“she’s bait, ya know?” – “ten to twenty ain’t worth it, yeah?”

“Yeah”, I reply – as my dick begins to return to flacid

“Her highlights were shit anyway”, I say

My best mate’s girl is standing in the kitchen – as if she was waiting –

she’s smiling a genuine smile and I’m just glad she doesn’t fucking hate me…

“Too much drugs or too much booze?”, she asks as my mate and I enter the kitchen – she smiles and crosses her arms

“Both, love”, my mate answers – “Yeah”, I replay –

“and my dick…” –

“ANOTHER ROUND!” some loud-ass motherfucker announces inches from my hearing – and I then hear an uproar of obnoxious hoots and hollers –

and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with people –

then someone hands me a drink – I raise it into the air and toast whatever…

and slam the shot glass down on the counter after –

I’m Scottish and I don’t turn down a drink…

“my fucking dick…”, I say aloud –

“a tale for another evening”, my best mate says as he gently plops me on top of a barstool at the end of the counter –

His girlfriend cannot stop from smiling – her shot glass also empty –

and I think she’s fun

The three of us as friends are quite magic, really

“I think she fancies you”, my best mate’s girlfriend says,

while lighting another Parliament cig

“Nah”, I protest – “she be an uptown girl”

“An uptown girl waiting for you to say hello, perhaps”…

“My sloppy dick don’t deserve such royalty – she is very pretty though, just sayin”…

“it’s not all about your dick”, she chuckles, as smoke escapes her nose and her mouth simultaneously…

“It’s always about our dicks”, says my best mate in jest

And I agree with my head nodding in the affirmative

The uptown girl continues to stare at me – and I become intrigued –

and not in a pornographic way, exactly – but, kind-of

“Hey, I’m Jimmy”, I slur, as I introduce myself

“I’m Genevieve”, she says as she flashes a smile

“May I join yous on the couch”, I ask as I purposely don’t drunkenly fall the fuck over

“yeah”, she responds as she removes her outer sweater and places it over the back of the couch, almost pornographically

“You’re a classy gal, ain’t you?”, I ask as I smile genuinely and with interest

She looks at me and blushes – “yeah, maybe” she says and then she looks away –

“I’ve got a dick”, I say

“yeah, I’m certain that you do”, Genevieve replies –

as she gently smiles and delicately raises her glass (it’s plastic) with much dignity to her lips – she takes a drink, and the entire room holds its breath – did I mention she is breathtaking?

“You’re a stone-cold fox”, I say as I gladly accept another shot of something-rather from a passing friend whose name I do not immediately remember –

“You’re obviously a gentleman”, she mocks as she sips her uptown drink in a plastic cup

“Yeah, I have my moments”, I reply as I’m looking for another shot to be poured

“I’ve got to piss”, I say, as I begin to stagger to the bathroom –

“lift the lid” says the classy girl from the couch…

I cannot stop from smiling as I turn to her before henceforthing to the restroom

She then blows me an unexpected kiss – and my dick reacts

“I can see it through your shorts”, she says

“yeah, I know” I say

I stagger to the toilet (I will lift the lid this time – no need for my piss to splatter) – and cannot wait to return to the couch where she sits –

she sits waiting for me

The uptown girl sits on the couch – waiting for me…

Photo: Jimmy Broccoli dressed as Adrock (a Beastie Boy).

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