“I need you to sit down –
you need to be sitting”, he says - I hear him and I’m listening -
- and I respond “no”
I’ve sat down too often for conversations throughout my life
I am not prone to fainting when hearing bad information –
smelling salts are not required –
I’m not Teflon – but I am some generic form of it – or, so I think
“I’m in love with Ariadne” (my former girlfriend), he says
…
and, so, I sit down –
I sit down hard and ungraceful and sloppy -
and the couch is a disaster to comfort -
its blue with red paisley and swirly designs –
the designs less clever than when we bought it
we bought it together – we did –
and who gets to take it now?
My boyfriend sits in a chair 4 feet from me
(eyes green, like emeralds without flaws, but flawed) –
his legs crossed; his eyebrows crossed
and a chain with the cross of Jesus hangs from his neck –
“Okay”, I say – and I recognize this is my most common response lately –
perhaps he and I have recently disconnected –
the battery light flashing red, needing a charge or a change -
perhaps this has been going on for months…
“I don’t think I’m gay”, he tells me –
“Okay”, I say as I shift uncomfortably
Perhaps the air around us is decreasing (?) –
because I’m not entirely certain I am breathing right now –
…at this moment
I’m wearing the designer t-shirt he picked out for me to wear –
we were at the mall at one of the stores we cannot afford –
and I tried it on -
he said I looked handsome in it –
so, I bought it, brought it home, and am wearing it now
“Okay”, I repeat – as if I’m a record skipping –
Then - I am silent, and I hear the birds chirping outside –
and I appreciate their melodies –
I suspect I might be physically rocking back and forth, slightly –
almost to a tune – a rhythmic and predictable tune -
it’s what I do when I’m uncomfortable and wish to leave a situation
it’s what I do moments before I grab ice cubes and hold them in my hands –
so I don’t disappear into chaos, into waking nightmares –
venturing into places I don’t forgive myself for being me
“The dogs stay with me”, I say –
and I say it forcefully, like I’m not dying inside
“Okay”, he says – “but, I get the cat”
“Okay”, I say, “she loves you more than she loves me –
but the dogs love me more than they love you”
“That’s fair”, he remarks –
and my posture has deflated to the point I may no longer (technically) be sitting
____
U-Haul trucks are ugly and cruel –
Uncomfortable to ride in – and painful to watch as they drive away –
I am not sitting in either seat (the driver’s or the passenger’s) –
I stand in the driveway – on the concrete –
it’s solid and stable – and I will not leave it
Our cat’s name is Kalaya –
Her name, in Hawaiian, means “beautiful” –
I found her – and I named her – I saved her (from where she had been) -
and she is moving swiftly away from me in the cab of the U-Haul,
forever –
I said goodbye, but it wasn’t enough
The U-Haul truck drives down our comfortable street –
and I cannot tell if I am tearing up because of the exhaust –
or because my life just fell the fuck apart –
it just fell the fuck apart - into pieces –
shattered – it just fucking shattered into pieces –
to make me bleed forever –
if I will allow that to happen…
I won’t allow that to happen… (I’m holding the ice cubes in my hands)
I won’t allow that to happen… I repeat (I’m holding the ice cubes in my hands)
I walk inside and the dogs are there –
they look confused – their heads cocked to one side – and then to the other -
I smile – because I cannot do otherwise while I’m with them –
I lay down on the floor –
and they happily pounce on me as we begin to play
This day is shit – but it’s not total shit –
we play on the kitchen floor with chew toys and with tug-of-war ropes –
and, then, they take a break to eat their food and drink their water
And I watch them –
I watch their happiness – and embrace my own (in this way) –
they are the part of life I appreciate most -
“I’ll never leave you”, I say aloud
“That will never happen”, I confirm – “I will never leave you”
Both of them look up at me from their bowls and pause –
they know I’ll never leave them…
and I never will – and I never do
We, again, play on the kitchen floor – and then into the living room -
Chew toys and tug-of-war ropes –
For hours – and forever
and forever
Photo: Jimmy Broccoli.
