Enough

I didn't and don't want to be the lonely, overweight, and sad boy anymore...

so, I lost 34 pounds - my waist is now a 32 and I wear medium shirts –

I desperately wanted him to find me handsome –

strong enough

manly enough

normal enough

worthy – good enough

It’s amateur hour at the clown show and I’m mentally dressed appropriately –

I want to be better –

(canned laughter erupts throughout the unforgiving theatre) –

I am on the stage – the blinding spotlights shine light upon my insecurities and gawky demeanor and upon my imperfect complexion –

I am on the stage (stumbling) – small, unconfident, unsure, and shrinking

My hair is no longer of mixed color – it’s brown – dark brown

Youthful – and I’m moisturizing my face nightly –

I’m buying better tailored shirts and pants, so I look better in clothing –

perhaps he would be proud to walk by my side –

perhaps, holding my hand – proudly –

…perhaps

I want to be smart enough

slim enough

classy enough

handsome enough

I want to be worthy – good enough

My psychologist likes me – she tells me I’m a catch –

but I don’t (yet) know if I’m the prize-winning trophy-catch to brag about

- or if I am the fish victim another will haphazardly and thoughtlessly consume for dinner

_____

Yeah, I know sometimes I can be awkward – sometimes socially –

Sometimes my confidence fumbles and stumbles –

and sometimes my laughter is unpolished and publicly clumsy –

and sometimes I don’t understand the happier and more positive words others use when they are speaking –

but I’m willing to learn their meanings –

I’m willing to learn…

I want to be sophisticated enough

successful enough

loving enough

cultured enough

I want to be worthy – good enough

_____

It’s a break-up – a simple breakup (with him) –

a splitting, a disintegration – a termination

it feels little different than a funeral –

and I am unable to hide behind a casket or behind large arrangements of pretty flowers to hide my grief –

it’s grief. Someone doesn’t have to die -

they just have to leave (you)

_____

I play with my dog for hours (as I do every day) –

He loves me as I am

_____

Then, I’m at the local shopping mall and throw in a few coins into the food court fountain –

with my bumbling, fumbling, and apprehensive hands – I make a wish –

I want to be a better man (canned laughter erupts again- unforgiving and rude)

I want to be a man another could love

_____

I want to be worthy – I want to be good enough

I want to be good enough for him – or good enough for someone like him -

and so far, …

I have failed