I Took My Life Tonight
You loved me, so I will not talk of rope, or firearms Or of sharp objects, or pills Or anesthetics to ease the final moments Knowing the details will not make the monsters within your mind disappear I will not provide accurate images to you
Though, still, I know you will toss and turn in bed Your body will break out in sweats and – You’ll sometimes wake up screaming And these tragedies may or may not end soon - These are the echoes of my actions I wish I could silence …But I cannot
This evening had no feelings This evening had no feelings at all – the night air did not cry or celebrate The stars did not hesitate to twinkle as my breath escaped my body one last time Rabbits in the fields continued to hop, while looking for food The needle on the record player did not momentarily skip The hands on the clocks continued to function without interruption And the birthday parties, the funerals – the family time watching TV …It all continues
While alive, I painted huge, frightening figures and emotions with broad strokes In multiple, brilliant and bright colors Piercing blues, metallic silvers, deep and wildly disturbing shades of red My works of art hung long and tall – Large enough to fill multiple floor-to-ceiling walls You never saw my illustrations because you purposely squinted You adjusted your vision and looked left, instead of looking right You looked up when my disturbing drawings were on the ground beneath your feet You saw (and remember) me smiling when I wasn’t smiling And you heard me laugh and have memories of me laughing Only because it was your desire for me to laugh But I seldom made a sound, and mostly understand laughter by observation only
My expressions were almost always dull, void, numb Your memories place the helium balloons in my hand at the party But I’ve never touched a balloon – not once
YOUR mind finds practical reasons for every day items For toasters, for light sockets For nail guns, chairs that don’t easily fall over, and plastic grocery bags I saw these items and thought of them as opportunities As options – as friends that understood well my uncontrollable thoughts These thoughts always smiled and, occasionally, I would smile back
I gave IT a name when I was very young My imaginary friend and I didn’t play imaginary games We didn’t playfully act out fantasies or quests or conquests or victories
My friend wasn’t imaginary at all – though you never saw him You never heard him speak – you never saw him take my hand in his And show me nightmarish possibilities you thought children couldn’t understand My non-imaginary friend spoke in whispers while you were in the room You could not hear him and you did not know to be listening more closely And, at other times - My non-imaginary friend spoke in clear tones (you were not in the room) With unmistakable meanings And, sometimes, he screamed – and I listened, without the option not to
While alive, I danced upon your landscape and you danced upon mine My feet couldn’t always keep up with the frantic harmonies, but I did my best
And I did my best for as long as I could
This is not a confession This is not an explanation These are not words meant to be understood or reflected upon These are my thoughts after all thoughts are impossible
Tonight, I took my life
