Yeah, so I’m a fucking junkie
– and I know I don’t matter much here
Do you know what it is like to sleep on the side of a freeway on-ramp (?) –
this is where I am – right now (and have been) -
falling asleep to oncoming (and close) vehicle headlights –
- vehicle sounds, city sounds, people sounds –
- they approach and move forward (without consideration)
with fucking apathy –
and, mostly, they run together,
like run-on sentences -
or conversations you aren’t paying attention to –
on a day you’re still awake and it’s four days later
No shower since Thursday – and you blame me for it –
I want one every day –
Every day a shower sounds like magic –
I can smell myself – and I know what that fucking means –
It means you find me a monster –
I approach your car with my cup –
and I’m a monster
- but I’m freer than you are…
The downtown Greyhound bus terminal has fucking air conditioning –
It has heat –
It has restrooms
- and sometimes the police don’t fuck with me –
and I get to stay a few hours
[I have fantasies of being a college student –
in a fucking dorm with indoor plumbing –
and a roommate – and with books –
and with a fucking light to read them by –
and classes to attend, to succeed –
and, my smart and intellectual friends…
we sit at parties together and drink drinks
from thin and colorful straws –
we laugh together - because that is what we do]
I sleep among others like me –
Others willing to steal my motherfucking shoes if I sleep too soundly -
I don’t sleep too soundly –
Do you know how long you have to wave a cup at vehicles
on the fucking freeway on-ramp –
at a truck – at a car - at a motherfucking bus (if it will stop for a moment)
to be able to afford a fucking bag of meth?
(use it wisely – and guard it with your life) –
If you knew – if you were here – you’d understand –
my superior vocabulary don’t get me shit here –
my addiction digs in its heals – and I do not leave –
I don’t leave because I can’t compete –
I can’t compete with the sober world
– with the world that is sober
so, I don’t –
I wouldn’t know how
do you know how long the nights are?
do you know how long the days are?
And, I know I don’t matter much here –
I’m a junkie and I sleep on the side of a freeway on-ramp –
(with the lights shining in my motherfucking face –
and the sounds sounding loudly) –
and the garbage –
and the garbage – it’s everywhere – and it’s all around me –
but it ain’t me
it ain’t me
and I’ll fucking kill you if you try to steal my shoes
- I’ll fucking kill you
