We Put the Dog to Sleep

My parents said we could no longer afford him, so we put the dog to sleep –

I miss the times I’d throw the ball and he’d catch it in his mouth –

Or run after it – his tongue hanging out of his mouth –

So happy –

I miss that – I miss him -

He sat with me for hours – patiently, beside me, in my bedroom while I cried –

I was a sad boy

The pink liquid at the veterinary clinic - and he never breathed again

And I stood there and watched –

My parents told me it would be closure

My world collapsed into later-to-be antidepressants and benzodiazepines –

and then, later, methamphetamines and chemicals I can barely pronounce –

but I bought them -

His life ended in closing curtains, and I didn’t leave my seat –

and I still haven’t –

I’m waiting for the fucking encore with a bag of stale popcorn within my hands -

And I will not throw it away

____

As an adult, I look back at my childhood and –

like I tell my therapist –

I’m angry – I’m just so fucking angry

And I tremble, sometimes violently – no differently than I did as a child

We put the dog to sleep

I fucking hate the color pink – it’s repulsive and horrible – and I fucking hate it –

Did I already mention that?

Burn everything pink down in the fucking world to the fucking ground –

I have the fucking matchers and the lighter and -

I hyperventilate and the ice cubes in my hand aren’t bringing me back to the present –

They just fucking aren’t -

We put the dog to sleep

I walk into my therapist’s office – as I do every week –

I pay the $25 co-pay and sit down on the overly pillowed couch

“We put the dog to sleep”, I tell her – and she nods her head

She hands me tissues, as she always does

“Please tell me I’m not going to die alone”, I tell her – and then I ask –

“Am I going to die alone (?) – I don’t want to die alone”, I say -

But maybe I don’t deserve anything better –

And she hands me tissues, as she always does

We put the dog the sleep –

And I take another pill, and then another, as I have for years

We put the dog to sleep

And I miss him every day

Photo: Mactown (Mac Mac) Jones, Pandora, & Damiana.